Almost

I don’t seem to be able to write lately, overwhelmed by the last weeks of intense digging into my box of resilience. Once as strong as the old leather and wooden trunk kept by my mother in her bedroom my box recently felt as fragile and small as a worn out purse.

Like my mother’s old wooden trunk, my box had different compartments, it was deep and often seemed bottomless. As a little girl, I would play with the trunk, carefully undo the first drawer, always too heavy for me to lift up, I had to give it a few failed attempts before being successful. I’d set it next to me on the floor, and I’d go through it. Small bits of material with flowery patterns, ribbons, lace, wool, half knitted jumpers, sewing magazines that I’d unfold, open, touch and enjoy looking at. Done with the first drawer I’d have to dive into the trunk to reach the next and proceed to the same inspection. Sometimes finding larger pieces of material and day dreaming of an outfit, day dreaming…thinking of designs for my dolls…And I would stand up, dive further down, struggle a bit more to lift and drag out the next drawer and engage in the same activity. I don’t remember how many drawers there were, enough to keep me entertained and enough for my mother to store a whole load of things, leaving it too heavy for one person to lift it. I often couldn’t manage to close it at the end, because I ruffled and misplaced its content.

My box of resilience used to be just like that, full of resources, small options and larger alternatives, always full. I’d struggle a little to drag something comforting out of it, I’d contemplate it and move forward. This time, I dug deep into it, I felt I was being swallowed by it, I almost decided to close it and not open it again, at least not for now, not like that.

Almost.

I couldn’t close it, too small to handle the recent events and incidents, I had to look further, deeper.

An alternative is usually to write, but I can’t seem to write anymore, finding my words too raw and not finding my words at all.

Another option may be to wait and learn to be patient.

Patience and hugs to you all!